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I've taken my messenger contacts out of my profile. There are only a select few that I really wish to have my names.



Sooo.. if you message me and ask for them.. and I get them.. feel special ;)

The Radio station I listen to streams online.



As I am listening they are playing this wav..



You are a bad naughty boy.



Everytime I hear it.. I crack up.

I went and laid in bed for an hour.



I cannot sleep. It bugs me. I went to bed semi-early because I was tired.



Correction: I AM tired.



I have nothing on my mind.

Nothing is bothering me.



Bah.



:tick tock tick tock:

Damn "it".





You gotta make me all teary eyed an shit.



:giggle:



Thanks, Suga ;)

Lately I feel extremely disconnected with myself. I am not sure why. I am sure it has to do a lot with certain health things I face. The restrictions I have to deal with at the moment.



My dad and I were chit chatting today. We were kind of throwing around the idea of packing up and just moving. The idea does appeal to me. The one thing that would be really hard to do is move far away from the resting place of my mom. Even though I know she is gone, it is still something that would bother me.



I have nothing here anymore. People that I THOUGHT were my 'real life friends' have gone. Which is fine, I am really used to it. When times change, you can really see who your friends are. I am fine with people just walking out of my life. That's fine.. just go.. move on..so not a big deal. What I don't like is people who feed me spoon fulls of false illusions. They act as though they will be there; then never are. They keep trying to feed it to you until you say," You know don't feed it to me. I am better if you just speak with your actions and not with your words." It is better to be alone than have a fake in front of you. You be your own worse enemy and your own best friend.



Granted not EVERY person is like that. A lot of my closest friends live far away. And I wouldn't trade them for anything.



The option has been given to me. It scares me very much so. Plus really I am not sure we can afford it since I was taken advantage of by some stupid dumb fucking cunt. (And yes I still boil with anger over that. I probably always will until I can face her and tell her exactly what I think of her. Or until I beat her face in.) Really I don't know what I want to do. I really don't see me being anywhere other than here.



I can face my fears when it comes to walking into cemeteries and places where paranormal things happen, but I can't face the fear with this. Maybe because it is such a life altering decision. While I am in the state I am in, I can't really see that happening. Maybe if I wasn't. Maybe if things were different, but they aren't.



Maybe I should hold on tight until I FEEL like it is time. Then again.. what if that feeling is to late?



I just know I have nothing to hold me here. Everything I have can be packed up and moved. Maybe I dwell to much on memories.



Maybe my inner strength has been hidden by fear.



I just don't know. I really just don't know.

I don't know HOW.

I don't know WHY.



All I know is my toe is gooshing blood. O.o



So I am being all ghetto-fab. I've tied a really old towl around it TIGHT.



:looks side to side for vampires:



Well, I'm not being ambushed. Good thing.



Any takers on a toe sucking? LOL



::edit:::



Then to top it off.. I GOT STUNG YESTERDAY!!



I have this huge welt on the back of my leg.



()#&()$&@)&$ Rawr!



Bastid Bee's.

Moments of beauty happen at random moments.



Yesterday I was sitting on a raft reading a book. I had my hands and arms draped over the railing. Even though I was reading intently I look up and looked over. There no more than an inch from my hand stood a Monarch Butterfly. I looked and seen the detail markings in the wings, the way it stood gracefully on the railing.



Then within a moment, it flew away. I watched it fly for a minute. The smile never left my face.



Then tonight I was out in the pool lying in the raft. I had my radio out there listening to a few cds. I could feel the sun going down as the warmth started to fade from my skin. I looked up and watched the sun sink into the tree tops; until the whole things was engulfed in green. Then I looked up at the sky, just thinking and wondering about everything. How creation really happened. How everything really got here. How the first tree was grown. How you cannot see past the blue of the sky into the galaxy beyond. And then I wondered about life, what the meaning is, what are we here for.



Then I started to think about the people who don’t take the time to stop and enjoy the way the green leaves of an extremely tall tree look against the blue of a cloudless sky. How they miss the way clouds seem to shine when they pass over a magnificently brighten sun. It’s those small moments that can make the world around us seem like a piece of art; as though we live on a beautiful painting of the world around us.



Solitude, relaxation and peace can bring a tremendous clarity.



I feel lifted beyond belief.